Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize