I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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