A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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