So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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