He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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