You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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