I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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