News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
