i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
