My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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