So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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