i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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