Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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