i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
