fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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