He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
