the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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