I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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