Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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