I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
