If i come over, it means nothing
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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