do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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