I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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