i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize