I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How does one acquire holy water?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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