come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
