i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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