you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
