I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
