I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
