Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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