Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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