I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
