I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
