Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
