so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
