i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
