I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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