when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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