the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
