Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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