Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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