Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I've blown a few things in my day
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
