I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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