3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it's like iHOP with fire
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
