Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize