Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize