I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
