I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Alive.
So much puke
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
