High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
