Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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