Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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