wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
