I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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