Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize