I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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