i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
