There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
organizing the empties. That sober.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
