I need to stop coming to work sober
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I will be naked everywhere
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
